Saturday, July 04, 2009

Oh, Blimey.

On of my friends of Facebook, who may not be on my list for very much longer, posted that her Englishman husband is celebrating "giving away America day" today, on the 4th.

Talk about arrogant ass.

If there is one thing that really sends me over the edge it's a snotty-assed Britisher.

So I put a comment on her post: "not bad for a rag tag group of coon-skin farmers and drunk Frenchmen, whooping the keisters of the cream of British military might. Three cheers for Guy Fawkes, he should of had more powder in his keg."

One of the greatest tragedies of the 20th century is the rivers of American blood spilled in defense of brutish, ungrateful Europeans. I really believe we should have left Europe to rot under Hitler and Stalin, for all the good our involvement did for us.

Just to show my tremendous, bowel-clearing hatred for arrogant British ingrates, here's a couple of jokes:

  • How do you get an Englishman to take a bath? -- Hide his pension "cheque" in the bathtub.
  • How do you get him extra clean? -- fill the tub with sherry.
  • How can you know the difference between an American and a Britisher? -- Tell them to smile.
  • What do you call a British R.A.F. pilot flying over Berlin? -- Dead.
  • What happened when Gen. Montgomery passed a "lively?" -- Churchill said "oh, for God's sake Monty! Save it for the bio warfare unit!"
  • What do you call a dead British soldier, floating in the tide at The Battle of Dunkirk? --Bobbie.
  • What did British soldiers sing after The Battle of Dunkirk? -- "row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream..."
  • (note: The Battle of Dunkirk was one of the most humiliating defeats in British history. French fishermen in little skiffs and rowboats had to help them escape the Germans.)
  • An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman entered a 26 kilometer swimming race. After 10 kilometers, the Scotsman gets tired and drops out of the race. After 12 Kilometers, the Irishman gets tired and drops out of the race. After 24 kilometers the Englishman stops for tea, decides he can't finish the race, and swims back to the starting line.
  • An Englishman was driving in the country, when he noticed a sign on the gate of a country estate. It read: "please ring bell for the caretaker." So, the Englishman stopped, rang the bell, and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the Englishman asked. "Yes, your Lordship, I am, " replied the old man. "What do you want?" The Englishman replied, "well good God, man! I want to know why the devil you can't bloody ring the bell for yourself!"
  • What do you call a beautiful girl in London? -- a foreign tourist.
  • What's the difference between a Britisher and a tea bag? one of them stays in the cup longer than the other.
  • How do you reach a British call center? Dial Pakistan.
  • What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John? One of them is the true Queen of England.
  • "When it's 3 o'clock in New York, it's 1938 in London." Bette Midler.
  • "My parents were British...we were too poor to be English." Bob Hope.
  • What did Prince Harry say when they dissed him about his Nazi uniform stunt? "Heaven help me! don't tell them about the whip and paddle!"
  • "Britain is a very popular foreign country to visit, because the people who live there actually do speak some English..." Dave Barry.
  • "There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do." ~ Douglas Adams
  • A Tribute to the British Hamburger... "When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom on your stomach like ballast, while interacting with your gastric juices to form an incipient belch of enormous potential, an airship which had been inflated in a garage. This belch, when silently released, would cause people standing twenty yards away to start examining the soles of their shoes. The vocalized version sounded like a bag of tools thrown into a bog, and the burger itself looks like a human sacrifice thrown into the bog." ~ Clive James
  • "Europeans have sex-lives, the English have hot water bottles." -- George Mikes.
  • "The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence." ~Oscar Wilde
  • "Now in England if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun so if you commit a crime it's 'Stop, or I'll say stop again!' " ~ Robin Williams
  • What do you call an englishman with an IQ of 50? -- Colonel sir!!
  • They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
  • Never ask a foreigner where he is from. If he is not english he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?
  • An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink. "Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant. "Don't tell me they've gone electric,"said the Englishman.
  • Have you heard about the thrill seeking Englishman? He ate his After eight mints at half-past seven!
  • Did you hear about the Englishman who told his chauffeur to drive over a cliff? He wanted to commit suicide!
  • Recipe for English stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.
  • "Drink is a curse," proclaimed the Anglican Priest. "It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, shoot at your landlord….and miss…"