Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a cat fish?
A: One's an ugly, scum sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.
Q: If a crucifix can repel a vampire, what do you use to repel a Democrat?
A: The American Flag.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
"Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy." —Craig Kilborn
"Isn't spring in New York fantastic? The great thing about spring is that it comes once a year, just like a Kennedy trial." —David Letterman
"Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize." —Jay Leno
"It seems Monica Lewinsky is on the loose again, teaming up with HBO to do a documentary about her affair with Bill Clinton. It's not really a documentary. It will be more of an oral history." —Jay Leno
"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." —Jay Leno